hOmE : a pLacE oF VuLnErAbiLiTy aNd gRaCe...

Home and family...

I have many dear friends, people I love, admire and appreciate, and I have a lot of people I know... weirdly, because of my blog and my life at Mount of Oaks now, there are probably even more people who know about me...

But feeling totally at Home or having a Family is something very precious and more seldom to have...

I noticed that throughout my pilgrimage I've been receiving the gift of different families and homes... as if in seasons... I'm really thankful for those... My relationship with my natural family has always been a bit odd... I've always been quiet and introverted... I never learned how to speak or share my heart, and that was not encouraged either...  speaking and sharing important things of the heart has never been a common thing in my family... we all get along fine, but my feeling was that we never really got to know one another on a deeper level... conversations were often superficial, or task orientated, or around the TV... (yes, that might be one of the main problems why most families today don't know how to speak with one another anymore)...

I never knew how to ask good questions, and I never felt comfortable asking personal questions as I think it´s none of my business... When people want to share, I´m a very good listener, but I would never ask if a sensitive subject is in the air...

It is a hard learning process, to know how to speak, share our hearts and communicate clearly... I found writing to help me process my own feelings and thoughts...

I also observed that there are not so many people willing to listen,  and that discourages me from speaking about myself... most people are extroverts, so they love to 

speak... sometimes to avoid more "serious" conversations or feel the space of silence... we speak about the weather, the dogs, the cats, the children, politics, Tv, any gossip in the family or circle of friends, etc... always trying to avoid speaking about ourselves and what really matters in our lives...

I remember when I first learnt how to speak and share my heart... I realized that that is what makes me feel at home and part of a family... This was 12 years ago (I was 22 then... a bit late to learn how to speak hey?)... I was in Angola in the spiritual NGO I was living with... There were around 30 people at that stage... people wanted to know me, they wanted to hear my stories, they would ask lots of questions... and I realised I didn't know how to express myself very well... I've always been a thinker, so I never needed to explain myself to... myself...

I would write a lot, but I would never share as well... or only with one or two friends occasionally...

Anyway, I don't want to go too much out of track here...

What I wanted to say was that it was here that I first found a place I could share my heart... first, I knew there was LOVE and Grace... they were for me the first real followers of Jesus I met, they knew God´s unconditional Love in their personal lives,so they were able to give that to others like me... 

There I was in a place I could be vulnerable... I shared the worst  things I did in my life, I was listened to, I was understood, people were compassionate and showed me grace and acceptance as I never felt before... This must be what "confession" is all about in the catholic church, but I never understood why people had to do it to a priest and not to each other...

But years passed by, I came to Portugal, communication with that family faded and physical distance made it hard to keep up being the same... I kept communicating, and I still keep in contact with some...most of them I keep in my heart in a very special place...

In Portugal I was some years in another community but it was not really the same, even though I became really close with a few people who lived there... I stayed nearly 5 years in this community and then I felt it was time to move and became part of another family... Some I referred to in some of my posts... specially the Borden's, Ben and Jasmin... There were others, but these are the ones I could share my heart with and be vulnerable...

And again I moved... and again communication started to fade... The reason for moving on was never a "bad" one, it´s just like that when we follow the Spirit... We are led to places for certain times and then the Spirit blows and we follow... And that has nothing to do with lack of commitment, on the contrary, it is a commitment to follow the Spirit... Actually, there is nothing more painful than when I feel I have to leave another family... but when The Wind blows, I follow... Maybe that's why Jesus said something like this to His disciples: "if you leave your home and family because of me and my Kingdom...I will give you a hundred times more homes and families..."

I'm having similar feelings at the moment...

 

This time is a bit different, as I have already been at the land for 2 and a half years...  here it's very seasonal, and people come and go more often... I'm the only one staying on a more permanent basis... During all this time, and even before that, God was preparing a family for me... I shared a bit about them in this post.
It all started in 2005 when I made my 6 month trip in Europe, another call from The Spirit... I met Emma in UK (since then she became my best friend and prayer partner) , then Juran in Germany, then Anne, Jonathan and Mathias in Freakstock and then Hernhut ... Another nice post about it here ...

To these, God joined Lyna whom we all met in Israel/Palestine and was living here in the land last year to give birth to her child Nolan... the family is extending, by birth and marriage ... Mathias got married with Nora and Juran with Ulli...
Of course this family has many others with whom we relate with in our local communities and network of relationships... but these are the ones I know I can be vulnerable with and share all of my heart... I'll add here Andy and Vonny whom I met recently but immediately became family (this happens too)... and of course Marcia, who just arrived from her 6 month trip in Mexico...Edna, my natural sister is becoming more and more part of my family too.

With all these I've shared the most precious  moments... laughing, crying, confessing my mistakes, praying and being prayed for, forgiving and asking forgiveness, confronting and being confronted, travelling with, working with, having fun, dreaming about ther future, sharing...

Anyway, I just wanted to share my thoughts for today... about family (I realize I share about this a lot actually)... about the importance of having a small group of friends with whom we can be vulnerable and find the most precious of gifts, GRACE ... ones who accept you just the way you are, no matter which state you're in at the moment... ones to journey with and grow spiritually into maturity...
Sometimes, family is close... but that doesn't always happen... family is in the heart, and it's spiritual...

I'm really grateful for all sorts of ways of communicating that enable me to be in touch with this spreadout family... e.mails, skype, and mostly the many opportunities we've been having to meet in all sorts of places to be together in the last 4 years... I'm thankful for the constant prayers and encouraging words on the right times...

This is true richness !!!

I'm grateful to God for all those who have become family for me in every different season... I'm grateful for God's faithfulness and care, which became real to me through all these beautiful brothers, sisters, mothers and fathers...
Thank you all...