I just arrived in Lisbon...after more then 2 months in the land...well, it actually seams to me like ages... I had a mix of feelings as I got off the bus... first I realized my rhythm was much slower then everybody else, which is good to notice :-)... you feel the stress in the air, not only because it's the capital city, but also because of "Christmas" time... to be honest I don't really like this season... it's just consumism and hypocrisy...ok, it's not just that, but you know what I mean...
I got off from the Metro in the middle of down town…I had a long sleepy trip by bus from Castelo Branco, from 5am till almost 9am, so I had the great idea to have some breakfast at some cafe, and take some time to write some thoughts I was having while I was walking... I also realized it has been ages since I did did this last time... and how I missed it!!!
My notebooks take a long time to be full now... I'm not taking much time to be alone and process my thoughts anymore... and I like that so much... sometimes I do it here on the blog...but nothing compares to a pen and a piece of paper... sorry all you bloggers and computer freaks, but I still feel it's not the same as to write on a keyboard and look on a screen...
But still, I felt this meditation was worth to post ... maybe I'll do that more often, just write on my notebook and post what it might be interesting... the only thing is that I often write too tooooong... :-)
One of the best things I like about writing is that often God starts speaking with me... I hope you would get something as well...but I'll warn you right now that this is a bit long...
So, I was thinking as I was walking the streets of Lisbon... I got an e.mail recently from a friend who wrote me this ... I hope she doesn't mind if I share here...but thank you for the question by the way :-) I love you !!! ... so she wrote this :
" I thought back to the 'casa Azul' and the "rua de paz'... PICT0124.JPG">
and I couldn’t help question...what happened there? How do you know to leave one project and go on to another one? And how long do you remain with one? Sorry maybe these are hard questions to think about? I guess I find this kind of thing hard..How do we know we are doing what God wants...should we begin something and then stop and keep moving? Or should we put down roots and stay in one place sometimes? "
For those who don't know, the "Casa Azul" or "Blue House" is the vision of an "urban monastery" that God put in my heart in 1999... and "Rua da Paz" was simply the street I was living in Lisbon :-) ...
so she made this question because she knew about what God had shared with me about this city, Lisbon, and about this idea of a urban monastery which I never concluded...
So, How did I figured out I was suppose to move?!! what happen there ?!! believe me, I made this question to God many times before I decided to make the move... And I have to say that I don't see myself going from "project" to "project"... if there is a project, that's my life, and God is the One in charge :-) ... For me it's more about a lifestyle of obedience to God, and not about projects...
All this was on my mind till I got to seat in a cafe and started to write :
it all made me think... not only now, because I always asked God why He shared with me all this vision about the "urban monastery" and about Lisbon if nothing would happen...
The truth is that I DON'T KNOW, I can't have an answer, I'm simply obeying what I believe it's God, and many times I just figure out later...
Actually, I have a clearer picture now then what I had in May, when I decided to take the step ...
I came to this conclusion as I was thinking in my friend's words :
What people call "my ministry", or "my calling", or "my projects/visions", I call a LIFE-STYLE...and this is not determined by a physical place, like a city or a building... I simply hope this life-style will impact the lives of those around me... wherever I am... If I'm travelling, passing by, or if I'm settling somewhere...
Yes, I was committed to the city, I gave God 5 years, and I guess I made this "deal" in 2000 or 2001... :-) interesting, I guess I stayed the time I commited myself to !!!
Take a look at this picture...
I draw it in Angola in 2002, when someone asked me to draw a picture of me in 2007...so, that's how I pictured or desired myself to be in 2007... interesting !!!! I didn’t pursuit it by the way… I just realize it’s happening ☺
I'm also not blown by any kind of "wind"... I've been meeting a lot of people like this and I don't like it at all... this was the hardest thing for me... I don't like to leave things when I'm not yet done... But I try to go with The Wind of The Spirit of God, and He's not One that blows without a clear direction... Nor He blows one day north, and next day south... Sometimes it seams confusing, but it's totally not out of His control :-)
I have to confess that this move was really hard for me... it was even frustrated in a certain point... I couldn't get it... It felt like a failure... but deep inside I knew God would never do such a thing... A lot of things He does seam to be a failure (like Jesus' death for instance), but in the end they always turn out to be great victories...
My time in the city was actually a sacrifice... it's true, believe me if you don’t know me so well... I was running away from the city and its system when Jesus came in my way in Angola... I just came back to the city because God told me so, and because He gave me a supernatural passion for it (specially the people)... and He was not sending me simply to a city...I guess I wouldn't mind so much if it was Porto where I was familiar with, but it had to be Lisbon, the capital city, busy city, stressy city, etc...
well, but there was where the people I needed to meet were... Oh, and how I love those I got to meet :-)...
So I came with this vision for this city... I knew it was God's... and I knew it would come true... many times I felt depressed and tired... many times I lack money, even to eat properly... I was homeless for a day and a night, till the Borden's opened their house for me to live with them...and for the first time I thought about giving up this "obeying God" thing... I came to my limits...
every struggle I would stand up because I knew God had a plan and a purpose for me to be in the city at that time... but one time, if it wouldn't be the people around me, I wouldn't stand up anymore...
It was this vision that brought me together with those I would end up loving :-) ... and that would be worth enough to have stayed :-)..
Many times I thought that was the reason, and the "project" was just an excuse... but no, God wouldn’t be like that...
The time I spent here, it was also a time to mature this "vision", it was a time of sharing and a time of transmitting the DNA of it to others...
During this time I also travelled and shared the same vision and realized there are more people all over Europe and other parts of the world sharing the same vision... And that excited me... it was GOD's vision !!!
But still, I left the city without seeing it... I felt a bit like Moses who died in front of the promised land without being able to enter it... well, at least I didn't have to die like Moses, well, not literally :-) ... or maybe like Abraham who never saw a glimpse of all that God had promised him... Actually, in my times of doubts, God shared a lot about Abraham with me... I often didn't like to ear it..Rrrrr...maybe that was it, I was just supposed to step out in faith...
I often felt that the whole vision of the "urban monastery" was some kind of "Nehemiah’s wall"... it was just a drop of a much bigger picture... the whole vision was about gathering the people, maturing the people, and reforming a whole society (well, that's too big to think about)...
there was some truth there too…this time and this vision also led me and all the others here to question the whole thing about "church" and what God really meant with that, because we were kinda fed up with what we knew about it... the whole monastic vision of christianity led me to old movements like the Celts, the moravians and finally the model of all those : Jesus and His disciples :-)... I started to see Christianity more like a state of "being", instead of "doing", a lifestyle more then a "simple declaration of faith" , an holistic living organism, instead of a static organization segregated in different "departments" and "ministries", etc...
This time also led me into a journey with those I end up loving... and which Love I believe will remain forever :-)
... yes, church can be romantic too :-) ... a journey with Jesus, just like His disciples experienced...living life together, going after the Master, watching all He was doing and asking Him a lot "- what da heck was that all about Jesus?" :-)
All this background makes me feel better :-) it was definitely not in vain all that time...
But what about YOUR vision God?!
So, let me tell you another story, if you're still with me :
About 2 months ago, some of those I end up loving in Lisbon set up a 24-7 prayer room... at that time there was a new family who recently came to join the "Matrix family" in Lisbon... they were praying, listening to the Heart of The Father, and they started to draw something on the wall... Jasmin was there, and she freaked out about what she was seeing...
Jasmin is one of the loved ones with whom I had the pleasure to go on the journey with...
The vision was coming alive again !!! They were drawing a house, just like the "blue house", with all the concept that it involved... The vision was never "mine" or "ours", I always said that, it's God's, and yes, He will fulfil it 'cause He is faithful...
This same family went with Jasmin to visit me at the land a month ago, and they told me the story... and you know what?!! I was not surprised :-)... I was thrilled, yes, and in awe, but it was like I was expecting it !!! GOD IS AMAZING !!!
About the land of the countryside, I always wanted to be part of a community like we're starting now... that was my long time dream … but I thought it would only happen after we had the things in Lisbon settled... well, I was wrong...
Check out this other picture I draw in Hernhut last year when I made my 6 month trip in Europe
Interesting, isn't it ?!!!
That’s what I see God doing... he's networking people all over the world, the "urban monasteries", the "monastic Eco Villages" and the nomadic ones who travel everywhere and between both :-)
I remember when I was in the land in May and I needed to make a decision... the idea of moving out of the city was so exciting... I always wanted to live simple in the countryside, but somehow I couldn't believe it...I felt like a little child accepting a gift I was waiting for so long... "- Is this for real Father?! Can I move out of the city already?!", those were my words :-)
So, I was wrong about God's timing... And I might not be right about my impressions too... they're all just impressions that I keep in my heart with faith... when the picture starts to unfold, I start to realize what it all really meant (if I can ever say that)...
God has always a better plan, that's for sure... we just need to trust Him when He tells us to "MOVE"...
I never thought about that, but maybe there are a lot of people who might think I'm a failure because I didn't accomplish what God put in my heart and hands...
But I'm glad I never thought about that at the time I made the decision... Maybe I would never step out of Lisbon because of fear of what others could think... not only about me, but specially about God...
I feel I'm in the centre of God's will, and that's what matters... and I don't feel I ever abandoned what I started... I really hate doing that...
I feel just like a drop in a bigger picture... I trust God, even blindly... that might be faith !!!
It's natural in us to hold on to things, to "visions", "ministries", “movements”, "callings", and even to people... but we need to grasp that it's all God's... He 's the one responsible to fulfil the visions... even when we take wrong steps, He'll fix them and sometimes He will raise some other people to accomplish His will....
He's the One who chose to trust us in the first place, even knowing how we are, so limited and weak, and how we stumble so easily... Even then, He chooses us to accomplish His visions... What a privilege !!! It's the best honour we can have !!!
So I guess my conclusion is that we should be committed to what God puts in our hearts and hands, but we should not hold on to any "vision" or "project" for ourselves, but we should stay free and flexible to let HIM do HIS way...
So, maybe my answer to my friend is that I didn't leave one project to move to another... It's all the same, it's all connected...if I'm directly part of it or not, it's not up to me... I still believe God will accomplish His desires in this city...and I felt I did my part for now... maybe I'll be involved again later, I don't know...
I feel our lives are made out of seasons, and like a tree, our appearance and our role might change, but we'll still fulfil the goal we were created for ... sometimes it seams there's no connection between what we do on Spring and what we do on Winter season, but in the end, it all relates together...
They are all parts of the big picture !!!
I hope all this makes a bit of sense for you :-/
So, how long will a tree remain in Winter?!!
I guess till it enters Springtime...
we can say it's the 21st of March, but truly, we never know for sure ...
:-)
(this was one of the last remainers in my flat in Lisbon after I finished painting it... this was made by Ben, my dear friend and brother, one of the special ones I got to meet during my time in Lisbon...LOVE YOU BEN)
1 comment:
Thank you!
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