I just arrived in Lisbon...after more than 2 months in the land...well, it actually seems to me like ages... I had a mix of feelings as I got off the bus... first I realized my rhythm was much slower then everybody else, which is good to notice ... you feel the stress in the air, not only because it's the capital city, but also because of "Christmas" time... to be honest I don't really like this season, or what it became about... it's just consumerism and hypocrisy...ok, it's not just that, but you know what I mean...
I got off from the Metro in the middle of town…I had a long sleepy trip by bus from Castelo Branco, from 5am till almost 9am, so I had the great idea to have some breakfast at some cafe, and take some time to write some thoughts I was having while I was walking... I also realized it has been ages since I did this last time... and how I missed it!!!
My notebooks take a long time to be full now... I'm not taking much time to be alone and process my thoughts anymore... and I miss that so much... sometimes I do it here on the blog...but nothing compares to a pen and a piece of paper... sorry all you bloggers and computer lovers, but I still feel it's not the same as to writing on a keyboard and looking at a screen... starting from your health I guess...
But still, I felt this meditation was worth posting ... maybe I'll do that more often, I will write in my notebook and post what I think might be interesting... the only thing is that I often write too much and it takes a long time to type it all...
One of the best things I like about writing is that often God starts speaking with me through it... I hope you will get something as well...but I'll warn you right now that this is a bit long...
I was thinking as I was walking the streets of Lisbon... I got an e.mail recently from a friend who wrote to me this ... I hope she doesn't mind if I share it here...but thank you for the question by the way ... I love you !!! ... so she wrote this :
"
How do you know to leave one project and go on to another one? And how long do you remain with one? Sorry, maybe these are hard questions to think about? I guess I find this kind of thing hard..How do we know we are doing what God wants...should we begin something and then stop and keep moving? Or should we put down roots and stay in one place sometimes? "For those who don't know, I had a vision of an "urban monastery" that God put in my heart in 1999 and the idea was being developed while I was living in "Rua da Paz" in Lisbon ...
My friend made this question because she knew about what God had shared with me about this city, Lisbon, and about this idea of an urban monastery which I never got to even start...
So, how did I figure out that I was supposed to move?!! what happened there ?!! believe me, I made this question to God many times before I decided to make the move... And I have to say that I don't see myself going from "project" to "project"... if there is a project, that's my life, and God is the One in charge ... For me it's more about a lifestyle of obedience to God, and not about projects...
All this was on my mind until I got to seat in a cafe and started to write :
it all made me think... not only now, because I always asked God why He shared with me all this vision about the "urban monastery" and about Lisbon if nothing would happen... or maybe was not God and only my mind... I can´t help but seek solutions to problems I encounter.
The truth is that I DON'T KNOW, I can't have an answer, I'm simply obeying what I believe it's God, and many times I just figure it out later...
Actually, I have a clearer picture now than what I had in May, when I decided to take the step to move out of Lisbon...
I came to this conclusion as I was thinking of my friend's words :
What people call "my ministry", or "my calling", or "my projects/visions", I call a LIFE-STYLE...and this is not determined by a physical place, like a city or a building, nor even a land... I simply hope this life-style will impact the lives of those around me... wherever I am... If I'm travelling, passing by, or if I'm settling somewhere...
Yes, I was committed to the city, I gave God 5 years, and I guess I made this "deal" in 2000 or 2001... interesting, I guess I stayed the time I committed myself to !!! Time of commitment is of importance here.
Take a look at this picture...
I drew it in Angola in 2002, when someone asked me to draw a picture of me in 2007...so, that's how I pictured or desired myself to be in 2007... interesting !!!! I didn’t pursue it by the way… I just realized it’s happening...
I'm also not blown by any kind of "wind"... I've been meeting a lot of people like this and I don't like it at all... this was the hardest thing for me... I don't like to leave things when I'm not yet done... But I try to go with The Wind of The Spirit of God, and He's not One that blows without a clear direction... Nor He blows one day north, and next day south... Sometimes it seems confusing, but it's totally not out of any sense or direction...
I have to confess that this move was really hard for me... it was even frustrating at a certain point... I couldn't get it... It felt like a failure... but deep inside I knew God would never do such a thing... A lot of things God does seem to be a failure (well, take Jesus' death as an example), but in the end they always turn out to be great victories...
My time in the city was actually a sacrifice... it's true believe me...those who know me know of my love for Nature and wilderness... I was running away from the city and its system for some years when Jesus came in my way in Angola... I just came back to the city because God told me so, and because He gave me a supernatural passion for it (especially the people who suffer from the system)... God was not sending me simply to a city...I guess I wouldn't mind so much if it was Porto where I was familiar with and it was more to me like a big village, but it had to be Lisbon, the capital city, busy city, stressy city, etc...
It was here where the people I needed to meet were... and how I love those I got to meet ...
So I came with this vision for this city... and in my heart it was a Godly vision, so I had to trust... many times I felt depressed and tired... many times I lack money, even to eat properly... I was homeless for a day and a night, until the Borden's opened their house for me to live with them...and for the first time I thought about giving up this "obeying God" thing... I came to my limits...
every struggle I would stand up because I knew God had a plan and a purpose for me to be in the city at that time... but one time, if it wouldn't be the people around me, I wouldn't stand up anymore...
It was this vision that brought me together with those I would end up loving... and that would be worth enough to have stayed ... and maybe it was all just a good vision for the city, but the city was not ready for it... I have that feeling that sometimes I am a bit ahead of time, or too utopian...
I thought it was all about a "project", but maybe it was all about the relationships... We don´t often get it right and understand what God is doing... you just need to read the Bible to see that all over...
It was also a time to mature this "vision" that I´m sure is so much bigger than my ideas, it was a time of sharing and a time of transmitting the DNA of it to others...
During this time I also travelled and shared the same vision and realized there are more people all over Europe and other parts of the world sharing the same vision... And that excited me... it is a good vision for any urban centre today !!!
But still, I left the city without seeing it... I felt a bit like Moses who died in front of the promised land without being able to enter it... well, at least I didn't have to die like Moses, well, not literally... or maybe like Abraham who never saw a glimpse of all that God had promised him... Actually, in my times of doubts, God shared a lot about Abraham with me... I often didn't like to ear it...maybe that was it, I was just supposed to step out in faith...
I often felt that the whole vision of the "urban monastery" was some kind of "Nehemiah’s wall"... it was just a drop of a much bigger picture... the whole vision was about gathering the people, maturing the people, and reforming a whole society (well, that's too big to think about, but I guess that´s God's vision isn´t it?)...
there was some truth there too…this time and this vision also led me and all the others here to question the whole thing about "church" and what "church" meant to be... we were not content with what we knew about it... the whole monastic vision of christianity led me to old movements like the Celts, the moravians, the mystics and finally the model of all those : Jesus and His galilean disciples ... I started to see Christianity more as a state of "being", instead of "doing", a lifestyle more than a "simple declaration of faith" , an holistic living organism, instead of a static organization segregated in different "departments" and "ministries", "denominations", etc...
It was also a time to mature this "vision" that I´m sure is so much bigger than my ideas, it was a time of sharing and a time of transmitting the DNA of it to others...
During this time I also travelled and shared the same vision and realized there are more people all over Europe and other parts of the world sharing the same vision... And that excited me... it is a good vision for any urban centre today !!!
But still, I left the city without seeing it... I felt a bit like Moses who died in front of the promised land without being able to enter it... well, at least I didn't have to die like Moses, well, not literally... or maybe like Abraham who never saw a glimpse of all that God had promised him... Actually, in my times of doubts, God shared a lot about Abraham with me... I often didn't like to ear it...maybe that was it, I was just supposed to step out in faith...
I often felt that the whole vision of the "urban monastery" was some kind of "Nehemiah’s wall"... it was just a drop of a much bigger picture... the whole vision was about gathering the people, maturing the people, and reforming a whole society (well, that's too big to think about, but I guess that´s God's vision isn´t it?)...
there was some truth there too…this time and this vision also led me and all the others here to question the whole thing about "church" and what "church" meant to be... we were not content with what we knew about it... the whole monastic vision of christianity led me to old movements like the Celts, the moravians, the mystics and finally the model of all those : Jesus and His galilean disciples ... I started to see Christianity more as a state of "being", instead of "doing", a lifestyle more than a "simple declaration of faith" , an holistic living organism, instead of a static organization segregated in different "departments" and "ministries", "denominations", etc...
As I mentioned earlier this time also led me into very significant relationships that I feel will remain in my life for longer than this... it was definitely not in vain all that time...
But what about YOUR vision God?!
let me tell you another story, if you're still with me :
About 2 months ago, some of the Matrix family in Lisbon set up a 24-7 prayer room... at that time there was a new family who recently came to join the "Matrix family" in Lisbon... they were praying, listening to the Heart of The Father, and they started to draw something on the wall... Jasmin was there, and she freaked out about what she was seeing...
Jasmin is one of the ones with whom I had the pleasure to go on this journey with...
The vision was coming alive again !!! They were drawing a house, just like the "blue house", with all the concepts that it involved... The vision was never "mine" or "ours", I always said that, it's God's, and yes, it will be fulfilled, not by me,but by someone else... How about that !!!
This same family went with Jasmin to visit me at the land a month ago, and they told me the story... and you know what?!! I was not surprised... I was thrilled, yes, and in awe, but it was like I was expecting it !!! GOD IS AMAZING !!!
About the land in the country, I always wanted to be part of a community like we're starting now... that was my long time dream, since 1996 when I first went to a rainbow gathering and met people who were living in lands … but I thought it would only happen after we had the things in Lisbon settled... well, I was wrong... and I´m glad...
Check out this other picture I draw in Hernhut last year when I made my 6 month trip in Europe
Interesting, isn't it ?!!!
That’s what I see God doing... he's networking people all over the world, the "urban monasteries", the "monastic Eco Villages" and the nomadic ones who travel everywhere and between both...
and when I say "Christ" centered I mean centered in Love, acceptance, inclusion, justice, reconciliation, peace and non-violence...
I remember when I was in the land in May and I needed to make a decision... the idea of moving out of the city was so exciting... I always wanted to live a simple life on land, but somehow I couldn't believe it...I felt like a little child accepting a gift I was waiting for so long... "- Is this for real Father?! Can I move out of the city already?!", those were my words as I was speaking with God.
So, I was wrong about God's timing... And I might not be right about my impressions too... they're all just impressions that I keep in my heart with faith... when the picture starts to unfold, I start to realize what it all really meant (if I can ever say that)...
God always has a better plan, that's for sure... we just need to trust when God tells us clearly to "MOVE"...
I never thought about that, but maybe there are a lot of people who might think I'm a failure because I didn't accomplish what God put in my heart and hands...
But I'm glad I never thought about that at the time I made the decision... Maybe I would never have stepped out of Lisbon because of fear of what others could think... not only about me, but especially about God...
I feel I'm in the centre of God's will, and that's what matters... and I don't feel I ever abandoned what I started... I really hate doing that...
I feel just like a drop in a bigger picture... I trust God...
It's natural in us to hold on to things, to "visions", "ministries", “movements”, "callings", and even to people... but we need to grasp that it's all God's... I´m not sure if God sees ahead or God knows better than anyone to have an idea of where a decision might lead... our part is to be connected and listen, and then make a decision... even when we take "wrong" steps, God can still guide us... and we are not forced either... it´s always our choice... There are so many things to do to improve life on earth for all peoples, and we do have our place and our roles at any given time...
God is the One who chose to trust us in the first place, even knowing how we are, so limited and weak, and how we stumble so easily... Even then, God chooses the fool to accomplish His visions... What a privilege to be a fool !!!
I guess my conclusion is that we should be committed to what God puts in our hearts and hands, but we should not hold on to any "vision" or "project" for ourselves...we should stay free and flexible to let God do things HIS way, not ours...
Maybe my answer to my friend is that I didn't leave one project to move to another... It's all the same, it's all connected, even if I don´t see it...if I'm directly part of it or not, it's not up to me... I still believe God will accomplish His desires in this city...and I felt I did my part for now... I prayed...maybe I'll be involved again later, I don't know...
I feel our lives are made out of seasons, and like a tree, our appearance and our role might change, but we'll still fulfil the goal we were created for ... sometimes it seems there's no connection between what we do on Spring and what we do on Winter season, but in the end, it all relates together...
They are all parts of the big picture !!!
I hope all this makes a bit of sense for you
So, how long will a tree remain leafless in Winter?!!
I guess until it enters Spring...
this was one of the last things left in my flat in Lisbon after I finished painting it before my renting contract ended... this graffiti was used in one of the "White stone" events in "Adamastor" in Lisbon, with concerts for those who usually are not able to pay for the many entertaining businesses happening every day in Lisbon... "Hope", "Faith" and "Love", that ´s what God desires for this city... They were made by Ben, my dear friend and brother, one of the special ones I got to meet during my time in Lisbon...LOVE YOU BEN !
1 comment:
Thank you!
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