questions like this one rose up in my mind during my time at the rainbow gathering in north Spain...I went with Ton...we arrived when about 200 people were already there, and left after the full moon when approximately 500 people showed up..."we are circling , circling together,
we are living , living our heart song,
this is FAMILY,
this is unity,
this is celebration,
this is sacred..."
was the usual song we sang when we joined for "food circle" twice a day...
was this family for me?!!!
Was this real unity?!!!
I had many weird moments in this time at the rainbow gathering... and I realised once again I'm not so good in big gatherings of people...it's too overwhelming for me...
I went mainly to be with those I met before and reconnect...
to be with those I felt like family, those I was missing and longing to be with... but I felt alone in the midst of a crowd... this is not unfamiliar to me either... loneliness has nothing to do with the amount of people I'm surrounded with...
Also, big rainbow gathering are in itself different than small ones... it's more like a meeting of different families who come together...and it was so different in Germany
This time I guess I lacked my family in the big Family...
so, as a thinker that I am, I started to ponder why was I having these feelings...
I missed the ones in the Mount of Oaks...I missed the Borden's with whom I lived in Lisbon and moved to Africa almost 2 years ago...I missed Emma, my best friend...Juran, Mathias, Anne, Jonathan, Judith, and others who were at the gathering in Germany...I missed many of those who were part of my community in Lisbon...and others with whom I've been journeying throughout my life course...
I realised I was missing those who really know me... those I can be in silence with and feel we are sharing something together...
I don't wanna say I didn't meet many beautiful and lovely people at this gathering, but maybe I was expecting more... more intimacy maybe, more depth in conversations and relationships...
As I said, I'm not so good dealing with big gatherings of people, cuz I feel I never have real quality time with anyone and I don't really know where or to whom to turn to...
Anyway, after sharing all these feelings with God I felt at peace... loneliness was something we were already chatting about, and it was a confirmation for me that nothing in this world nor in this life will fill this gap... I know one day I will feel complete...and I so long for this day :-)...
I also got some comfort from a friend in which lap I could lay my head and be still for a short while... a good lap always feels good :-)...
next day I was at the food circle and saw this friend...she didn't seem so good so I stood from my place and went to her to give her a hug... for my surprise she said she didn't want any hug... I didn't know what was going on with her...she definitely didn't seem ok... I understood and wanted to respect her space, but I noticed I felt hurt at the same time... specially cuz I feel such a strong connection and love for her... I wanted to go after her and see if I could do something, but at the same time I was afraid she might simply discard my help...and I would get hurt again... it seemed selfish, but I couldn't go to her till 2 days after... and thankfully we were able to speak just before I went away... I just cannot handle this sort of things to stay in my mind... she deals with things differently and didn't seem so worried about discussing it, but I'm really glad she listened to my heart at least... deep inside I wished she would have trusted me as a friend to help her or simply to listen to her, but I didn't want anything to be forced as well... we all have our ways to deal with things anyway...
Again my feelings and thoughts were overwhelming me after that experience at the circle... I needed to go somewhere alone... (it's interesting how I long for solitude when I feel alone...Hummm... maybe because I know only God can fill the gap)
I went up to one of the amazing mountains surrounding us... I got to the top and had an amazing wider view of the rainbow camp... I knelt down and simply asked God " what am I doing here anyway?!! I don't really feel to be with those I wanted and I don't seem to have anything to give to them..."
I simply burst into tears... my heart was filled with pain...hurt...rejection feelings... different faces were coming to my mind, and my prayers were made into tears...no need of words... I also find no words to explain it better...
in the end, Peace came... I understood I went there for that... to cry and pray... I knew those tears were not mine as well (it's not the first time this happens to me at a rainbow gathering)... and also the feelings of being lost , of loneliness and rejection were not only mine as well... somehow I felt many people there were feeling the same but not really expressing it (some could have been even disguising it or hiding it)... I could do nothing about it but pray... not many people were open as well to share their heart's pains, or if they did, they were not really willing to solve them...
Anyway, these were just my impressions... maybe I was totally off...but that's how I felt it !!!
For me that's what I miss in a family, a space to express my feelings, whether they are good or not... people with whom I can be in silence with if that is what I need...with whom I can speak and listen both superficial and deep things...with whom I can cry or laugh, being honest with my own condition of the moment...people with whom I feel one with, in the soul level and the spiritual...
That was probably the main thing I was missing... a spiritual connection... I had few strong soul connections, specially with those who came to the land some weeks before, but besides Ton I didn't feel any other spiritual connection with all the others... In the rainbow family everyone has their own spiritual journey, their own perception about God or whatever name they give to Him/Her/It... I totally respect everyone, and many are very honest in the way they seek God, but I just don't feel the same connection... My relationship with God is personal, with Whom I speak with and whom I try to listen and follow... And I do miss others who have the same kind of connection... It's interesting too how in Germany I was with people I just met, but because we had the same Spirit in us, it was like we knew for ages... sometimes this happens in the soul level too, but when it's in the spirit, there's something even stronger...
I was missing someone to pray together with ...
For me that's what I miss in a family, a space to express my feelings, whether they are good or not... people with whom I can be in silence with if that is what I need...with whom I can speak and listen both superficial and deep things...with whom I can cry or laugh, being honest with my own condition of the moment...people with whom I feel one with, in the soul level and the spiritual...
That was probably the main thing I was missing... a spiritual connection... I had few strong soul connections, specially with those who came to the land some weeks before, but besides Ton I didn't feel any other spiritual connection with all the others... In the rainbow family everyone has their own spiritual journey, their own perception about God or whatever name they give to Him/Her/It... I totally respect everyone, and many are very honest in the way they seek God, but I just don't feel the same connection... My relationship with God is personal, with Whom I speak with and whom I try to listen and follow... And I do miss others who have the same kind of connection... It's interesting too how in Germany I was with people I just met, but because we had the same Spirit in us, it was like we knew for ages... sometimes this happens in the soul level too, but when it's in the spirit, there's something even stronger...
I was missing someone to pray together with ...
I went few times to the Shambala tent, which was a common place to worship or sing spiritual songs, but even there I didn't feel connected with God... for me it was mainly singing random songs, usually in a strange language I couldn't connect with, and to gods I had no idea who they were...Shiva, Krisna, Kali, etc... I heard about them, I knew something about them, but I don't really know them personally the way I know Jesus, and they definitely never spoke to me the way Jesus speaks... I don't feel them as well, the way I feel the Spirit of Jesus in me... so, all that made it hard for me to feel unity in the spiritual level... It was nice to hear people singing, but nothing more beyond that... and I also didn't feel free to express my worship to Jesus there, as it seems that all other gods are cool and are accepted, but when it comes to Jesus there is a certain apprehension...there was a candle with Jesus' picture on it there, but still, that meant nothing for me anyway...just like all other symbols
I even understand that reluctance towards Jesus cuz often He is put on the same bag as Christianity, and the picture most people have of Christianity is not the most attractive , peaceful and loving as it should be...or simply not true...
That makes me sad as well, cuz I know Jesus has nothing to do with this picture "christianity" made of Him...
Anyway, I don't want to mumble anymore here... just wanted to share a bit of my heart ... hope you don't mind...
going back to the family issue... my main struggle is that I do feel as a family with the rainbows, I often say it is my tribe, if I have any on earth... but I do know I belong to another family... Jesus' family... and I have a Father and Mother in Heaven with whom I'll spend eternity one day...
I feel like Jesus...One time He was with His disciples and someone said his mother, Mary, and his siblings were calling outside for him ...to which he replied " who is my mother, and brother, and sister?!!! Those who do my Father's will are my mother and brother and sister"...
I don't think he meant to be rude, but he wanted to point out his spiritual family, the eternal family... We will be together one day...in spirit and truth...
John had a vision as well, where peoples from all tribes, languages and nations would be together, singing, celebrating and honouring the One who welcome us all into the Big Family...
I'll be there with the Rainbow tribe I believe :-)... then no more veils nor anything will ever separate us... we will see each other as we really are...who we really are !!!
I finish with a prayer I sing to God:
YOU ARE FATHER OF ALL
YOU ARE THE MOTHER WHO HOLDS
YOU ARE THE SPIRIT INSIDE ME
JESUS, CARRY ME HOME...
CARRY ME HOME...
YOU ARE THE ONE WHO HOLDS MY HAND
YOU ARE THE ONE WHO WALKS BESIDE ME
YOU ARE THE ONE WHO WIPES MY TEARS
JESUS, CARRY ME HOME...
YOU ARE THE ONE WHO BRINGS ME PEACE
YOU ARE THE ONE WHO SINGS TO ME
YOU ARE THE ONE WHO GIVES ME JOY
JESUS, DANCE WITH ME...
DANCE WITH ME
