"Who is my family?"This came to my mind during the rainbow gathering in north Spain... I went with Ton...we arrived when there were about 200 people there, and left after the full moon when approximately 500 people showed up...
"we are circling , circling together,
we are living , living our heart song,
this is FAMILY,
this is unity,
this is celebration,
this is sacred..."
"we are circling , circling together,
we are living , living our heart song,
this is FAMILY,
this is unity,
this is celebration,
this is sacred..."
It´s the usual song we sing when we gather for the "food circle" twice a day...
was this family to me?
Was this real unity?
I had many weird moments this time at the rainbow gathering... and I realised once again I'm not so good in big crowds... it's too overwhelming for me...
I went mainly to be with those I met before and reconnect...
to be with those I felt like family, those I was missing and longing to be with... but I felt alone in the midst of this crowd... this is not unfamiliar to me either...
This feeling has nothing to do with the amount of people I'm surrounded with...
Big rainbow gatherings are in itself different from small ones... it's more like a meeting of different families who come together...and it was so different in Germany because even if it was much bigger (more than 3000 people), I was with my spiritual family as well, and we were there to serve... I didn't feel lost or alone there...
This time I guess I lacked my family in the big Family...
I started to ponder why I was I having these feelings...
I missed the ones at the Mount of Oaks...I missed the Borden's who moved back to Africa almost 2 years ago, after I lived with them in Lisbon... I missed Emma, my prayer companion... Juran, Mathias, Anne, Jonathan, Judith, Hajo and others who were at the gathering in Germany... I missed many of those who were part of my community in Lisbon... and others with whom I've been journeying throughout my life...
I realised I was missing those who really know me... those I can be in silence with and feel we are sharing something together...
I don't want to say I didn't meet many beautiful and lovely people at this gathering, but maybe I was expecting something else... more intimacy maybe, more depth in conversations and relationships...
In big gatherings of people I feel I never have real quality time with anyone and I don't really know where or to whom to turn to...
After sharing all these feelings with God I felt at peace... loneliness was something we were already chatting about, and it was a confirmation for me that nothing in this world or in this life will fill this gap...
My feelings and thoughts were overwhelming me and I needed to go somewhere alone... it's interesting how I long for solitude when I feel alone...Hmmm... maybe because I know only God and Nature can fill the gap ...
I went up to one of the amazing mountains surrounding us... I got to the top and had an amazing wider view of the rainbow camp... I knelt down and simply asked God " what am I doing here anyway? I don't really feel to be with those I wanted and I don't seem to have anything to give to them..."
I simply burst into tears... my heart was filled with pain...hurt...rejection feelings... different faces were coming to my mind, and my prayers were made into tears...no need for words... I also find no words to explain it better...
in the end, Peace came... I understood I went there for that... to cry and pray... I knew those tears were not mine as well (it's not the first time this happened to me at a rainbow gathering)... I felt the feelings of being lost , of loneliness and rejection were not only mine either... somehow I felt many people there were feeling the same but not really expressing it... I could do nothing else but pray... It was interesting to observe...
These were just my impressions and my experience...
I feel like a family where there is space to express my feelings, whether they are good or not... people with whom I can be in silence with if that is what I need...with whom I can speak and listen both superficial and deep things...with whom I can cry or laugh, being honest with my own condition of the moment...people with whom I feel one with, in the soul and in the spirit...
I feel like a family where there is space to express my feelings, whether they are good or not... people with whom I can be in silence with if that is what I need...with whom I can speak and listen both superficial and deep things...with whom I can cry or laugh, being honest with my own condition of the moment...people with whom I feel one with, in the soul and in the spirit...
It was probably the main thing I was missing... a spiritual connection... I had a few strong soul connections, especially with those who came to the land some weeks before, but besides Ton I didn't feel any other spiritual connection with anyone else...
In the rainbow family everyone has their own spiritual journey, their own perception about God or whatever name they give to Him/Her/It... I totally respect that, and many are very honest in the way they seek God, but when we don´t share the same language, or cosmology, it´s hard to speak about it...
My relationship with God is personal... I speak with God and I try to discern what I listen and follow... I miss others who have the same kind of connection... It's interesting too how in Germany I was with people I just met, but because we had the same language to speak to God and about God, it was like we knew each other for a long time... sometimes this happens in the soul level too, but when it's in the spirit, there's something even stronger...
I was missing someone to pray together with ...
I was missing someone to pray together with ...
I went a few times to the Shambala tent, which was a common space to worship or sing spiritual songs, but even there I didn't feel connected... for me it was mainly singing random songs, usually in a strange language I couldn't connect with, and to gods I had no idea who they were...I know a bit about Shiva, Krishna and Kali, from the time I was in India, and I like some of the mantras, but I never developed a deeper connection with them... well, they never called me to follow them...
I don't feel them in me either, the way I feel the Spirit of Jesus... I believe in universalism, that there are many ways to relate to God, possibly as many as all the languages there are in the world... I truly believe many people connect with God and Spirit through many deities, and even without deities, but there is something about particularity, when we share the same connection and the same language, even if we disagree in some things, but at least we can speak about it.
All these thoughts made it hard for me to feel connected on a spiritual level, and that is a shame because I never felt that before in a rainbow gathering... Maybe God wants to say something about it... not about the rainbow people, but about myself...
It was nice to hear people singing, but not much more apart from that...
I didn't feel free to express my devotion to Jesus either... I usually feel that all other Gods are cool and interesting , but when it comes to Jesus there is a certain apprehension and resistance...
I understand that too, as I myself was very resistant, and I didn´t even grew up in a super religious family as most europeans my age did....Europe still has a lot to heal and ask forgiveness for all the atrocities made in the name of the God of Abraham and Jesus.
I get it when people seek in other cultures and other Gods for other ways to relate with The Divine, but I would also like the message of Jesus, not the church, to be restored and revived...
What most people know about christianity is often the bad theology that we´ve been taught for many years, and even today...
That makes me sad as well, because Jesus´ teachings are so distant from what "christianity" teaches.
Going back to the family question... my main struggle is that I do identify with the rainbow lifestyle. I often say it´s my tribe, if I have any on earth... but I also belong to another family, the ones who are called by Jesus...
And maybe it is not unlike these big gatherings, where we are all God´s family and children of the Earth, our Pacha Mama, and within this big family there are particular families, and mine is the family of Jesus...
I just wonder if this family is welcomed among the Rainbows... We were in Germany...
One time Jesus was with His disciples and someone said his mother, Mary, and his siblings were calling outside for him ...to which he replied " who is my mother, and brother, and sister? Those who do my Father's will are my mother and brother and sister"...
I don't think he meant to be rude to his blood family, but he wanted to point out his spiritual family on earth... We will be together one day...in spirit and truth..."from all nations, tribes and languages" as John saw in a vision... then no more veils, no more cultural differences, religions, or languages will ever separate us... we will see each other as we really are...who we really are! We will be ONE... and this is also the vision of the Rainbow family...
I finish with a prayer I sing:
YOU ARE FATHER OF ALL
YOU ARE THE MOTHER WHO HOLDS
YOU ARE THE SPIRIT INSIDE ME
JESUS, CARRY ME HOME...
CARRY ME HOME...
YOU ARE THE ONE WHO HOLDS MY HAND
YOU ARE THE ONE WHO WALKS BESIDE ME
YOU ARE THE ONE WHO WIPES MY TEARS
JESUS, CARRY ME HOME...
YOU ARE THE ONE WHO BRINGS ME PEACE
YOU ARE THE ONE WHO SINGS TO ME
YOU ARE THE ONE WHO GIVES ME JOY
JESUS, DANCE WITH ME...
DANCE WITH ME
